10 things I hate about news: Here’s what the BBC News website has wasted your money on this year
The news website is only one egg in the giant money wasting omelet that is the BBC. However, their online content still manages to waste an admirable amount of taxpayer money with its insistence on writing about irrelevant crap.
This is particularly true of 2020, because, as we know, it’s been a slow news year.
Would you like to know more? No, of course you wouldn’t, because that would make you stop paying for your TV license, and then the TV police will break your door down. If they do, be sure to offer them a cup of tea, because that’s polite. However, I’m going to tell you anyway, so sit back and marvel at the carnival of codswallop Auntie Beeb has offered up as ‘news’ this year.
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1. Sex rules
“ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX AT THE MOMENT?” screech the BBC, while not realising no one who ever has any sex is reading this article. It is quite moving that they genuinely think their ‘Newsbeat’ section is going to stop Callum and his mates picking up slags.
2. The climate change movement is “not diverse enough”
Residents of Doncaster were dealing with floods back in spring, and really the last thing they needed was a gang of middle-class climate protesters going there to find out if they have opinions.
“Quick, we need to recruit more uneducated northern people to our cause! They’re so normal and down to earth, I do love them! What? Yes, I know it smells funny here. Hurry up, let’s find a man called Gaz and get back to London.”
3. Expensive pants
This year the BBC deemed it important for you to know that someone spent nearly £1,000 on socks and pants in Harrods. Although the main angle of the story was the woman’s suspected fraud (you don’t say), readers were really just treated to a list of all the brilliant stuff you can buy at Harrods with illegal money.
“Just after midday on 20 June 2008 she paid £925 at the underwear and socks counter.”
The pants better at least have had Spiderman on them.
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4. Celebrity Democrat quiz
Back in March, the Buzzfeed Broadcasting Corporation challenged its readers to match the ‘A-list celebrities’ with their preferred Democrat nominee. This is because no celebrities vote for Republicans, because they are better than normal people.
5. Stop calling me a bitch, dictionary!
In which the BBC gives a platform to a group attempting to overthrow that most oppressive of institutions: the Oxford English Dictionary.
The group wants common colloquialisms for ‘woman’ removed from the dictionary, presumably to be replaced with ‘goddess’, ‘She-Ra’, and ‘Karen’.
6. Sporty Spice is not gobby
Listen up everyone, important breaking news: the Scouse one out of the Spice Girls wants everyone to know she’s not a human foghorn.
“And, you know, I’m really quite quiet, and I’m really gentle.”
This made the taxpayer-funded national news. Stay tuned for rolling updates on Richie from Five’s favourite type of biscuit.
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7. My hairy armpits are sexy!
A video celebrating the online movement ‘#Januhairy’, which encourages women to take a more ‘Burt Reynolds’ approach to body hair. The takeaway from this is that hairy armpits are attractive, and if you disagree then you’re a bigot. Featuring a moving interview with a lady who had one of her Instagram photos slightly criticized.
8. Is Peloton sexist?
Short answer: No.
Long answer: Home exercise company Peloton caused outrage by daring to suggest that a man would care about his wife’s health. In their controversial advert, a man buys his other half an exercise bike, which she likes and enjoys using. This led to the denouncement of Peloton as ‘dystopian’ and ‘sexist’.
Look, if the BBC reported it every time someone overreacted online, people would start writing articles mocking their news output, and no one wants that.
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9. Burping sheep
A group of sheep in Orkney apparently burp less methane because of the seaweed in their diet. In an unorthodox move, the writer has decided to imply other livestock are to blame for not burping like these sheep, and should get their act together. I don’t care if you cows live 100 miles inland, you’re all bigots.
10. Knitting ballet
Do you like ballet? Do you like knitting? Do you live in the Oxfordshire area? Do you have nothing better to do? The answer to at least one of these questions is likely to be ‘no’.
Look lads, leave the hard-hitting stories to the Oxford Mail. This would fit in nicely between the Sudoku and the ‘sewing machines for sale’.
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